Okay, so I am going to attempt to put a bunch of frustrations and personal things (without being too personal) into a tactful and heartfelt blog. It's late, but this has been on my heart for awhile and I just need to get it out there.
I am fat.
Or, if you so choose, you can use the word obese, overweight, big, large, plus sized or "one who doesn't take care of herself." (The last being a personal "favorite"-insert sarcasm).
I have attempted a number of online dating sites, both Christian and non. I haven't had any success and I'm fine with that. I want God's best for my life and so far I haven't met him. God has given me an amazing peace that the one He has for me is out there and I'm waiting on God to orchestrate all the details necessary to make that happen. I have peace!
So here's my beef. I am so tired of the excuse "guys are visual." I know that guys are, but I also think that guys overuse this an excuse to mask their own insecurities and issues in order to find their perfect trophy wife to make themselves look good. Christian guys...you are by far the worst, hands down. If I hear one more pastor exclaim from the pulpit, facebook or any other public forum that they have a "smokin' hot wife" I think I might spew vomit at them. It's as if you need a "smokin' hot wife" to validate your weaknesses and insecurities. She has to make you look good and if she doesn't look a certain way then you somehow do not look as good. Woah, that was a side rant...didnt even intend on going there...but I did and I'm not erasing it.
I have seen profile after profile after profile of guys who sound magnificent. They are all about their relationship with God, blah blah blah...and then you get to the bottom of their profile and there is ALWAYS a bottom note "By the way, I'm not into plus size girls" or "I don't do big girls so if you are big don't message me." Or "I will only date girls who take care of themselves."
Now, just to set the record straight, I do believe 100% that there has to be an attraction and compatibility. I also believe that the attraction grows over time. I am a "friends first" kinda girl, which may explain my relationship status...and that's okay because I dont want to rush in to a physical/physically attractive only relationship only to find out the guy is a complete loser and we can't carry on a conversation or he eats with his mouth open or something horrible like that. True long lasting attraction grows over time. Sure you have your initial attraction, but when the make up wears off or you see her 9 months pregnant or doesn't lose the baby weight...or bald with cancer... you have to have more than a physical attraction. Christian guys...it's time to stop looking at only her outside and start loving her for what she is on the inside. Stop holding her up to the world's unrealistic standards and hold her to God's standards and see her for who she is...a most precious daughter of the king.
When I look in a mirror I see my sassy fun hair cut, I see my "sexy" eyes (according to my BFF), I see my Netteler nose and my good teeth with as my sister says "full kissing lips". I love make up and dressing nicely (and I also love my pink comfy sweatpants and old tshirts). I see a smile that comes from my heart. I see someone who is passionate about the Lord and fulfilling His will in her life. I see someone who has an intense love for kids and the passion to see them grow and be world changers wherever they go. I see someone who is passionate about music and using it to glorify God. I see someone who is loved deeply by friends and family and 23 2nd graders. I see someone who has a heart for missions. I see a daughter of amazing parents, a sister to two awesome sisters, an aunt to 7 nieces and nepnews... and most importantly a daughter of the King. I am loved by God! What an awesome feeling!
Then I notice the fat. And somehow, I let that dominate all of the above b/c of some jerk's profiles on an onilne dating site or something a guy (or three) has said to me in the past about my weight. Shame on me and shame on you guys for allowing women to feel like they are worthless because of a number on a scale.
Obviously, as previously blogged, I am trying to lose weight. It is an uphill battle. I will never be skinny. My goal is to be healthy. I am healthy currently and I do take care of myself, but I am also overweight. I know that I have to work hard to maintain my health and do my best to lose weight. I have been eating healthy for 8 weeks. The last 3 weeks, despite healthy eating, I have gained 6 lb (of the 16 I lost). I dont' know why but I'm going to keep doing my best to be the best me I can physically. I am also doing my best to be all I can spiritually.
In the mean time, i have deactivated all online dating accounts. It's time to remove the rubbish from my life that brings me down. I'm also removing rubbish in the form of people that can't love me for me or have an issue with my weight. I don't have room for that in my life.
I challenge everyone (myself included), to start seeing what God sees. This applies in ALL relatinoships. Men (especially Christian)- It's time to stop getting hung up on her outer appearance (good or bad!) and fall in love with her heart. I am sitting here thinking of times I judged based off of appearance but then realized there was an amazing person underneath. I once judged a girl who was incredibly beautiful. I was seriously intimidated because of her beauty. Over time, we became good friends and I got to know the amazing woman of God behind the outer beauty; so this works in all areas, not just weight. On the flip side I have had friends who were incredibly beautiful and seemed to have it all together, but when I got to know them realized they were a mess with loads of baggage and issues. Beauty can only cover that for so long.
Take your blinders off and look at the heart. Weight is really the least of your concerns.
Okay, I feel better now that that's out on paper. :)
