I'm very rarely speechless...like never... I can almost always verbalized my thoughts and opinions in a clear and comprehensible manner.
But here I am, three weeks post missions trip and I am still unable to comprehensively without sobbing talk about the depth of my last trip to Guatemala. If you are expecting to read this and learn all about what I did on my trip, be warned, because that not where I am going with this.
Before I embark on any missions or ministry opportunity I pray that God will use me, the people I encounter will see Gods love in me, and I pray that God will break my heart and help me see the world as He does.
Sure, that has happened before...but nothing to the magnitude of this experience. In trying to explain to my husband (who's never experienced this) I can't pinpoint one thing that changed me or made the biggest impact on me. It was the overall experience. The good, the bad, the ugly. It was a million little things that all hit me on my return and sent me into a post missions trip depression. This is my 5th trip (3rd to Guatemala) and I've never experienced anything like this to this magnitude. I may be talking a lot right now but truly I am speechless.
I don't want to go back to life as normal. I don't want to look at pictures and smile like "ah how fun that was." I want to be on my knees praying for the lost, caring for the widows and orphans as Jesus has commanded us...has commanded ME. I can't simply go back to my old life. I'm broken. And that's not a bad thing because God takes broken and weak things and repairs and restores them. He then shows off His work and sends it out to reflect His light. I read a quote today by CS Lewis today that something to the effect of we do not do things to shine our light, but to show His light in us.
My prayer for my friends and family is that God breaks your heart as He has mine. I think everyone needs to experience this point of utter dependence on God and to hurt so much for the lost. We could change the world together as broken vessels. It's not about the greatest preaching, lights, music, fancy buildings, etc. Its about the heart of God and truly becoming more like Him and fulfilling what He has called us to do.
I've always been called to ministry of some kind or another. Right now that ministry is teaching and my family. Yet I believe there is much more God has in store for us beyond our wildest imagination. I'm dreaming big for the future God has for us but I'm also searching what He has for us now.
Don't be afraid to pray for a broken heart, but be prepared for the after because when it happens it will rock your world to your core. It's not always easy and please forgive the old cliche, but neither was dying on the cross.
