So many changes....

It's amazing how quickly life can change!  Sometimes it's for the best, sometimes it isn't, or at least may seem like it's not.  I'm still holding out for the changes coming my way are for the best.  That is yet to be seen.

So the big question I get daily:  How are you doing?

I'm not really sure how to answer that question.  A year ago this month, I was told that I would never conceive a child.  Honestly, I was sad, but took it in stride.  I have longed to adopt for as long as I can remember.  Randy and I had to do a lot of searching and seeking on this one as that was not something he had ever thought about.  Through a course of what seemed to be God events, we began taking foster to adopt classes through Missouri Baptist Children's Home in Joplin.  Honestly, the classes were amazing. We learned so much and I feel it strengthened our marriage and our parenting abilities with Michaella.  At one of our last meetings, one of the workers told us that if we were in this to adopt an infant, we needed to go through a private agency.  We had already looked into that option and well, it wasn't going to happen with our current income.  It was a discouraging time.

In November, I got my usual November sinus infection.  I also attended a conference that I attend yearly.  While there, I was on antibiotics and all I wanted to do was sleep.  To top that off, my blood sugar was out of control.  I was running consistently in the 400-500 range and couldn't get it down.  I had been on those antibiotics before and had never had that as a side effect. 


Even after I returned, all I wanted to do was sleep. I was sitting at work one evening debating whether to call the doctor again about my blood sugars when I felt a gentle nudge that I needed to take a pregnancy test.  I wanted to cry. I had taken PLENTY of tests over the course of the last couple of years.  It's extremely disheartening to see that  negative sign pop up.  The urgency to take the test was overwhelming.  I went ahead and left work, grabbed a bite to eat and ran to Dollar General.  I wasn't about to spend a ton of money on a test that was going to be negative. 

I got home, did some work, finished dinner and sat and stared at the test.  Randy and Michaella were at church.  I know you are supposed to take these in the morning but that urgency was so strong, I knew I had to take it right away.  I have never sensed that urgency before to take a pregnancy test.  I go take the test, waiting to be disheartened yet again, when all of the sudden a PLUS appears.  I grabbed the paper to compare and checked and checked again.  I started hyperventilating.  There's no way this could be real!  Yet, it was. 

Yesterday I went in for another appointment with my high risk OBGYN.  I sat and marveled at the life growing inside of me on the ultra sound screen.  There she was.  Kicking, moving and rolling about.  Even at 28 weeks gestation, you can see her cheeks and her nose.  I think she'll have a Netteler nose.  How is this possible?  But God...

In all of this excitement, I found out that I was being let go of a job that I loved.  Sure, it's had its ups and downs, but I love what I do.  I love my co-workers and most importantly my kiddos.  I love the little town I live in.  It's home and comfortable.  So what does our future hold now?

I have no clue.

And that is the scariest thing in the world for this type A OCD planner.  I don't know whether to pack a baby room or prepare to move.  I struggle with being excited about my pregnancy because it's always overshadowed by "what's going to happen in August?"  What about insurance?  What about income?  I've lost all my maternity leave.  SO MANY scary thoughts run through my mind on a minute by minute basis. 

In my head, I know the King of Kings has a plan for my life and for my growing family.  He's yet to reveal it to me, but each day I have to choose to follow Him.  Many days He has to carry me (sometimes kicking and screaming!). 

Songs minister to me often in a very deep place.  The day after I found out I was going to have to resign, this song came on the radio.  I wept all the way to work and I have listened to this hundreds of times since January. 


So, how am I doing?  Well, I'm hanging out to the hand of God. 

Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone

Here and now
You can be honest
I won't try to promise that someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

I'm not strong enough, I can't take anymore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under

Oh, my soul
You're not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone
Oh, my soul, you're not alone